


The Job Interview

by vermicious_knid



Category: Gremlins (Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 16:20:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9333140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vermicious_knid/pseuds/vermicious_knid
Summary: Kaitlyn is a broke woman in New york and is just about to go on the most bizarre job interview of her young life. The ad never said anything about working for a tiny evil mastermind in tweed and reading glasses.





	

Kaitlyn straightened her work clothes while in the elevator, nervous for the job interview. She blew some blonde hair away from her face( hurriedly washed with dry shampoo at the last minute) and looked down at the ad again, which she had ripped out from todays morning paper. 

_Wanted –_

_A prestigious assistant for_ _an_ _executive manager_

_Tasks preformed will be the preparation of snacks, answering phone calls, sorting mail, making sure the executive is away from water. The latter is of extreme importance._

Hm, Well. She did think that last part was a little odd. But hell, she’d seen and heard worse from other jobs. This was no big deal in comparison. She almost shuddered when she remembered her last boss and his fixation with guacamole. 

_Maybe its some kind of phobia of water?_ She thought, watching the digital numbers hit level 23 – her destination. 

Well, she would soon find out.

* * *

 

She made her way down an ordinary looking hall and to a most ordinary looking waiting room. At the end of the hall there was a dimmed glass door with the title “executive manager “ then underneath, some unintelligent scribbling. She figured whoever was behind the door was so new in the position that they hadn’t the time to put up his name yet. 

She didn’t have to wait long until the door creaked open and someone from within yelled “Step inside please!” Well at any rate, the voice who had spoken sounded nice. 

The office itself was very ordinary looking as well. A lot of mahogney furniture. There was a small bonsai tree on the large desk that look surprisingly well tended. Shaded windows overlooking the city. But the executive himself seemed to have vanished. She looked around the room but did not see anyone there. 

But then, behind the tall desk chair that stood facing the windows, a plume of cigar smoke rose lazily to the ceiling. A black stationary telephone was off the hook, the cord reaching feebly to whoever sat in that chair. 

“Of course harry! Lunch sounds like an _exceedingly_ delightful fare – no, no If I have anchovies before the tide comes in I don’t know what’ll happen.”

A little stupefied, Kaitlyn sat down in the simple grey visitors chair, waiting for the man to finish his phone call. 

“What will I do with the Bromstein account? Harry I think you and I both know what sort of volcano business that is – now I won’t give them a cent or three pigs until it’s finished. Oh – I have to go, see you at the club the usual time. Ta.”

The chair turned around to face her. 

If the phone conversation had been odd, the man – or should she say thing? That turned around in the swivel chair and put the phone back in its place was decidedly the oddest. It was A short crocodile skinned creature with raptor like eyes, wearing a grey jacket, wire rimmed glasses and a black tie. Kaitlyn felt like her eyes were about to fall out of their sockets. 

_OK. So he might actually be the weirdest employeer I’ve ever met._ She thought somewhat distantly.

They stared at each other for a few moments in complete silence. 

“Um. Sorry for disturbing your phone call.” She said, voice wavering, glancing between him and the phone like they were both hallucinations.

His firetruck red lizard eyes gleamed and gave Kaitlyn the most unnerving, wide smile that looked as if it was supposed to be pleasant. For a moment, she seriously considered bolting for the door. 

“Quite fair, you are here to be interviewed and so it would make sense for me to interview while you are here instead of spitting gibberish to an old friend. Now, let me see…” he adjusted his glasses with an incredibly sharp clawed hand and hopped down from the chair, disappearing from view for a moment. She had the childish (and perhaps not so misguided) impulse to tuck her feet up, but resisted it. Or maybe she was just still in shock. 

“Human resources sent you I understand?” he asked, opening a file cabinet behind her. 

“No, I saw the ad in the paper.” She answered, unable not to stare as the thing made its way back to the plush chair with a manola folder in hand. It stopped and regarded her sharply. 

“Oh so you read? Very good, we don’t get many _readers_ around here. Things are so hectic.” it said, gesturing with one lime green hand as the other was busy writing something down. 

“Oh.” She said for the lack of saying anything else. 

The green thing stopped and looked up. 

“I say dear, you do not look so well. Scotch?”

“Uh – no that’s ok. Thank you.”

“Very well – as I explained, the office is very hectic – some might even say chaotic but that’s dangerously close to wishful thinking you know. Which is why I need all the help I can get – or borrow, steal, but no no we do not do _that_ sort of thing…” it couched, and muttered low “…anymore.”

“I see…”

“But manners. See here, is my full name.” the green lizard demon thing said, pointing to the metal plaque at the desk. _Sir_ _Brain Lebronsky._

_You’ve gotta be kidding me._

“Brain? That’s…. an unusual name.” 

Brain smiled proudly, canine teeth all on display. It made Kaitlyns skin crawl. 

“But very fitting, if I can say so myself. “

“Indeed.”

“In fact – “

A buzzing sound interrupted him. Brain pushed a button besides a speaker on the desk and complete gibberish issued out from the speaker – the sound something a feverish baby might make while vomiting. Brain listened calmly, nodding occasionally as if the gibberish was perfectly understandable.

He pushed another button and spoke back.

“Only ten cans of dog food for me, atkins diet you see. Anything for you?” he asked and looked at Kaitlyn. She swallowed and shook her head.

“No, thank you.”

Some more gibberish came forth. Brain smiled and laughed heartily. Then he answered in his own, completely normal voice. Or rather, someone you might meet at a busy luncheon at the ritz or what you’d imagine a ken doll might sound like. Impossibly casual and posh at the same time. 

“Sounds good. Take care now, take care.”

“Ah, before we were interrupted I was going to ask you some important questions.” Brain stated, tapping a ballpoint pen at the desk. 

“Well, go ahead?”

“DO you carry a firearm?”

“No?”

Brain looked disappointed.

“Oh dear, we’ll get you sorted on that in a minute. “

Kaitlyn didn’t know what to say to that, so she wisely kept quiet as her future employer read through her work paper that she’d sent through the mail before she arrived here. Suddenly he stopped and gathered the papers up and held them off the desk to one side. 

The office door slammed open on its hinges behind her, causing her to jump a mile in her seat. A muffled pattering of feet which sounded like a small animal came into the room, along with a series of quiet hisses and grumbling. What the hell was this place anyway, a petting zoo??

Then another green, lizardlike hand shot up behind the desk to catch the papers that Brain was holding out. Brain looked down and blinked his red and yellow eyes, so much larger because of the thick glasses.

“Put that away where I’ll remember it, won’t you?”

The reply sounded like the noise a cat made when it had something stuck down its throat.  Then the pattering of feet dissappeared out of the room, followed by a series of hisses and the sound of a gun being fired somewhere in the distance. 

Kaitlyn swallowed nervously, staring at the door with wide eyes. 

“Sorry about all these interruptions, but I am a busy man as you understand. Cigar?” 

“Eh, no thank you.”

“Smoking isn’t really dangerous you know, black lung is the new black dress, if you believe the Inquierer’s point of view on the matter.”

“I see. Well...maybe we should discuss...my salary.” she managed to say without screaming bloody murder. Brain Lebronsky blinked his large eyes and hummed in agreement.

“Oh yes, the most important part. Usually I pay my employees in gunpowder and ice cream, but I suppose you’ll want something a little more substansial. What do you say to 1000 dollars an hour? “

Kaitlyn forgot about being afraid and let her mouth hang open in shock for a whole different reason. 

“1000 dollars!?”

“Yes, I’m afraid that’s all that can be afforded at the moment – nothing like what you are used to, I’m sure.”

“That’s very generous of you sir.”

“No, don’t say any ugly words like that in here, please. This is a respectable company.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“Let’s forget all about it and- hold on a moment.” a knock came on the door, followed by a buzzing sound, like that of several arguing cats in heat. 

“Come in.” Brain said from his desk and the door opened. On the other side waited a small hord of….things. Creatures. It was all very well that Kaitlyn was still sitting down, otherwise she might have fainted. 

“Ah yes , the charity collectors – how much have you collected today?” Brain asked, and the creatures all held up various items, ranging from half-eaten candy bars, to wallets, pocket watches and mauled baby dolls. The kind of “charity” that pickpockets excel at. Suddenly it became very clear to her what sort of company this was, if it hadn’t been clear enough already. 

“Very good work my measly friends, now go put it in storage and we’ll value the items later.” Brain said, congratulating them, gesturing his clawlike hands to another room further down the hall. Once they were all gone, Brain steepled his “hands” together and leaned over the desk, glaring at her in a way that made her feel like a mouse in front of a hungry snake.

“Now, what do you say?” he asked, voice almost a purr. 

“Eh, about what?”

“Would you like to go home and think the matter over, or have you already made up your mind? I am, as you so tactfully said “generous”. I am well aware that we aren’t exactly...hum, your normal bunch of co-workers, to put it mildly. But working here can be quite fullfilling, I assure you. “

“Hmm, well. I don’t know...”

“We do have a dental plan, if that helps. “

_ With those teeth, you need all the medical attention you can get.  _

But the salary was, lets face it, pretty amazing. Mind blowing really – Kaitlyn hadn’t been offered that much money since her grandmother died. And now she would be paid that much everyday. And how hard could it be, honestly? Sure, they were all….some sort of species that she was sure never had been documented before. Maybe even aliens. But then, New york did cater to the strange and eccentric. 

Brain was smiling patiently at her, and she made up her mind. 

“Well, I guess you have a new assistant then.” she said, attempting to smile back without being distracted from the fact that she was about to take on the probably weirdest job offer of her life. 

  



End file.
